There's a brand new Halloween movie upon us, so it seemed the perfect time to go looking for sins in the beloved and acclaimed original. And while that film is f*cking fantastic... it still has sins... as all movies do. So we counted them. And here they are.
Everything Wrong With Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
This freaking movie. This movie is infuriating. Unless all you want are dinosaurs roaring and a whole bunch of action baloney and recycled moments from better films in the franchise. Here are all the sins we found in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom.
Everything Wrong With Pitch Perfect 3 In 15 Minutes Or Less
Well, they took a page from Adam Sandler and decided to film a movie during their vacation in Europe together, and yep... it turned out pretty awful. Likeable people alone does not a good movie make. Here are the aca-sins of Pitch Perfect 3.
The first Kingsman film was a welcome surprise of manic action and fun. The second one is just... a mess.
Everything Wrong With Paddington In 10 Minutes Or Less
In 2014, Paddington was quietly released. Which is unfortunate, since it's pretty awesome. But even awesome family films have sins, as I'm sure you know, so...
Everything Wrong With Bee Movie In 15 Minutes Or Less
During the animation boom of the mid-2000's, Jerry Seinfeld himself concocted a movie idea, wrote the script, and voiced the main character. And somehow, against all odds, that movie ended up being utterly terrible. Here are the sins of Bee Movie.
Everything Wrong With Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
Ugh. This thing has gone on long enough. I say we call it after this one. Here are the sins of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, and there are a lot of them.
Everything Wrong With The Amityville Horror (2005)
Roughly 25 years after the original came this Ryan Reynolds remake that somehow fails to really add anything new or be much more compelling overall. :(
Everything Wrong With The Amityville Horror (1979)
Once upon a time, they made a third remake of The Amityville Horror. In anticipation of that, we wrote sins scripts for the first two. Then they delayed the new one for, like, years and we just sat on the scripts waiting. Then they dumped that new remake into theaters sneakily for a few days in the Fall of 2017, and we were like... "Sh*t, we can't just waste these scripts." And Christmas week came along and we all had plans and didn't want to write sins, so we dusted off the Amityville stuff! So... there you go.
Everything Wrong With War For The Planet Of The Apes
War for the Planet of the Apes was one of 2017's best action films, despite there being as much scenery & talking as there was action... maybe even more. But hey, even a planet of apes has sins. Therefore...
Everything Wrong With Jumanji In 17 Minutes Or Less
Just in time for the Jumanji sequel, we go looking for sins in the original. And boy... did THAT movie not hold up well at all. Yikes!
Everything Wrong With Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Just in time for The Last Jedi, and only a year after you began requesting it... we finally have the sins of Rogue One. And there are plenty. Maybe more sins than midichlorians in this movie.